So I figure my attention span won't allow me to explore all three movies anymore than yours will allow you to read them even if I did. I've decided to stick to the Toy Story universe in general and see where that takes me. I don't know, whatever. Just go with it.
1) This one has been bugging me for a decade and a half: Why doesn't Woody have a gun?
I don't buy that its some sort of anti-violent thing, because Buzz was rocking karate-chop action and a scary laser. I also don't think that it had to do with kids choking on the small pieces because those of us who have seen the movie 786 times are well aware that Woody's hand-stitched poly-vinyl hat was perfectly removable, thank you very much. The guy was local law enforcement for crying out loud. He should have been assigned a gun (and subsequently shot Mr. Potato Head at point-blank range. More on that asswipe later).
2) Where was the father throughout all of this?
Don't get me wrong, Im not complaining here. As someone who's likely to divorce a handful of times in my life, I get it. I'd just like to point out that at the beginning of the movie, the drooling baby sister is, like 7 months old (I don't know. I'm really bad at deciphering the approximate ages of other humans. I applaud the genius of those carnival guys that do it). Anyway, this means Andy's dad peace'd the hell out about 5 minutes after this lady punched out kid number two.
I will say that it is nice to see a single mom in a Disney movie for once. I swear, before Pixar came along I was fairly certain that DIsney writers had a basic template involving sociologically disconnected, motherless hotties with overactive imaginations and piss-poor love lives and just sort of worked from there. Seriously, the mothers were either non-existent, referenced as dead, or shot in the face shortly after the opening credits. Andy's mom made sure her daughter and gay son had birthday parties, Christmases, pizza nights, and plenty of toys to choke on. Get it, girl.
3) Why does Mr. Potato Head have to be such a dick?
I know that without this idiot's relentless misunderstanding of nearly every situation, the movie would not have a plot. Seriously though, this bastard is dangerous. He's out to get Woody from the start and none of the toys seem to notice or give a crap. Haven't these play things ever heard of a coup d'etat? (Don't answer that). Even worse, at the end of the first film he is rewarded with a friggin' wife. Sure, Mrs. Potato Head is annoying and a bit gossipy, but she loves her husband and he doesn't deserve love. He deserves Sid's operating room.
4) Am I the only one who think's SId is kind of awesome?
Think about it. This kid wasn't torturing animals or lighting buildings on fire, he was just, you know, experimenting with his toys. Unlike Andy, this kid was totally independent (though probably neglected), and really knew how to spice up playtime. The doll's head on the erector-set spider legs? That's the work of a genius, my friends.
Ah! And here's a little tidbit for you. Check out this still from Toy Story 3. Sid makes an appearance as the trash man, looking suspiciously like more than a few guys I've dated in my years (insert issues here).
5) When a human leaves the room, the toys are allowed to scatter. What I don't get is how they've NEVER been caught. It seems every other scene involves one of the toys hearing someone noisily flailing up the stairs and hastily alerting the others before bashing into 15 other panicking toys on the way to their hiding place. Tell me, how would this scene play out if, say, Andy were watching a movie downstairs before becoming drowsy and wearily drifting off to his room. His socks, not making a sound in the hallway, would allow him to enter his own damn room unannounced to find the pig and the weird dinosaur with little arms playing battleship. The sight would cause any kid to go absolutely and indiscriminately crazy. Just sayin'.
6) Who in the HELL gave that pizza kid a driver's license? Better yet, who gave him a driving job? Its shit like this that causes insurance pukes like me to lose sleep at night.
7) What are the rules that determine the mobility and general intelligence of the toys? Some of the stuffed animals could talk, while it seemed others weren't even alive. Those weird Dutch egg things could hop into each other, which was weird because I considered them to be objects.Sid's little sister Hannah's toys couldn't talk at all (and this was before Sid mutilated them). Same goes for Bo's sheep, the troll doll, the barrel monkeys, and the racecar Just curious.
8) Okay this is the big one. This one really frosts my cookies.
How do Buzz and Woody fly at the end?! Everytime I raise this issue with someone I get the same response (other than a general eyebrow raising as to why I am discussing the inconsistencies of Toy Story in general). People say it was the rocket. Ahh, but no. If you remember, they cut the rocket loose and proceed to fly - actually fly - to the minivan. Buzz maintains, and even briefly increases, altitude.
I remember being pissed the very first time I saw it. Remember, one of the rules of good, established storytelling is defining your universe and determining what your characters cannot do. Although these toys were alive, the rest of the world still functioned as normal. Last time I checked, gravity was still workin' just fine. Again, not a big deal, but they could have finished it off a little differently.
Okay, in conclusion of this nonsense, I shall once again give a shout out to the character I thought made the most sense. This one goes out to the vastly under-appreciated Mr. Spell, who selflessly sought to educate the other toys in both loss prevention and self preservation through his informative seminars on "Plastic Corrosion Awareness" and "What to Do if You or Part of You is Swallowed." Thank you Mr. Spell!
