Let's get one thing out of the way. You totally love Titanic. I know, I know. Late 90s Leo mania was annoying (a phenomenion I was partly responsible for), its a long-ass movie, and the sappiness left you with several cavities and a lingering sense of cynicism that only booze and losing your virginity could help you forget. The fact that Leo went on to be a total badass only furthers the general assumption that Titanic was a load of horseshit. Meanwhile Kate Winslet has risen to such prominence that she could plunge a toilet on-screen and probably win, and deserve, an Oscar for it.
But hear me out.
While not without it's flaws, I still think its totally awesome. The movie left people with a lesser-but-no-less-real sense of discomfort and awe that the tragedy itself had on society in 1912. How could this have happened? Why weren't there enough lifeboats? Did they really lock people down below?!
At 27 I sat there, same as I did when I was 13, thinking, "If I couldn't get on a lifeboat, what would I do in order to survive?" (I've decided I'd have grabbed a door and paddled away on my tummy like a surfer).
As for the gooey love story, well...it is what it is. I guess I liked the fact that something was going on to distract you from what you knew was going to happen, so when Victor Garber and his bad Irish accent announced that the "ship will sink, in an hour or so," you too felt the weight of the realization.
The girl in me cries for the people who were so scared and cold while the little boy in me thinks its badass when the ship CRACKS IN HALF. I only wish they'd have gotten a wide shot of that scene.
So here we are, April 2012. Almost 100 years ago today, the survivors arrived via Carpathia about 400 feet away from where I am sitting at this very moment. What better way for James Cameron to commemorate the occasion than by milking the money cow and re-releasing the movie in 3D.
Yes indeed. Giant propellers and Kate Winslet's boobies popping right out of the screen.
It was an Easter event that Krista and I were not about to deny ourselves. There we sat, with 3D glasses and a comically large bucket full of Diet Coke (we've become our mother).
Yea so, remember when the film starts rolling and they show that old-ass footage and then there's that lady with the beautiful voice humming? Let me tell you something kids, seeing that in a theater will bring you right back. Oh what a night, late December back in '97. 8th grade, braces, 32AA. I heard a girl sitting beneath me about that age whisper, "Oh that sounds so pretty!" I realized: she'd never seen this. With the arrival of DVD players and the general burnout of the rest of us, it totally made sense that her parents never bought her a copy of Titanic. I had a vicarious front row seat to my own adolescence.
As the movie took off, however, I began to notice some glaring problems.
1) Really, Jack and Rose? Y'all loved eachother that much? After 3 days. Let's say Jack survived. What the hell were they going to do with eachother? Instead, Rose survives the disaster and goes off to make babies and grandbabies and clay pots. But NO. Nothing she did in 83 years of subsequent livin' lived up. Remember the end where she returns to the ship and Leo is waiting for her at the clock? (I cry every time, but that's not the point) If I was her husband, waiting in the sweet hereafter only to find out she went back to some dude she spent 3 days on a cruise ship with back in '12, I'd kick her ass straight to hell.
2) Hey, how much do you wanna bet that this guy kills himself 3 days later?
3) Remember this guy? It's Billy Zane's bitch. Yea he totally died because he spent 2 hours lollygagging around chasing Jack and Rose with, like, no reason for doing so.
4) Wow. Kathy Bates just happened to have a perfectly tailored suit for Leo, chillin' in her stateroom. You know it had to be that way, but man. Hey, and two thumbs up for Leo wearing it to the crazy Irish party down below! I'm sure Kathy Bates was stoked to have it returned to her smelling like beer, cigarettes and b.o.
Yeah and these last two literally make me want to jump up and slash the screen in protest:
5) Rose. Scoot your white ass over. SCOOT OVER!!! Are you kidding me? I've been watching these two circus animals run from top to bottom of the damn ship for the past 90 minutes. He's locked below. She's on the lifeboat. She's off the lifeboat. Billy Zane's got a gun. Irish people pissed off and locked in steerage. Hangin' on the rails while people are flying off in all directions. All so they could survive together. Then, when its almost over, the make exactly ONE try at getting on the floating door together.
Really? After all that? Leo, how about you go over to the other side and distribute the weight. Or Kate, maybe scoot down so Leo can pull his upper body out of the water. Something. Figure it out. Lay on top of eachother if you must. Y'all managed to bump uglies in the back of a Model T and yet this is unmanageable?
7) Last one. This one is a doozy, and I know you've all thought about it too. Rose, the reason you died at the end and are doomed to spend an eternity on a ship with a bunch of people you totally don't even know is because you are selfish and dumb and you threw the diamond in the water at the end. They should publicly slap your corpse in the face.
Let us examine:
Bill Paxton said it's worth more than the Hope Diamond. Let's just say for inflation's sake that the stupid Heart of the Ocean was worth $200m in 1997. Which is conservative.
And that old raisin THREW IT IN THE WATER. Thing is, that damn thing didn't have a shit thing to do with Jack (except that he drew her bare-ass wearing it). It's just a gaudy monstrosity her dick of an ex-fiancee gave her. I get that she didn't want to live off of it, but jeez. Bequeath it to your family. Your granddaughter who takes care of your old ass. $200 million is like, 15 generations of trust funds and college educations. Hell, DONATE IT to charity! Buy computers for schools! Give it to James Cameron and have him make a movie called 'Titanic!' (Don't over think that one). I can't believe she threw it in the water. She should have thrown herself in the water. Too harsh? Too harsh.
Okay I'm getting bored. So in conclusion, I would like to give a shout-out to a few of the supporting characters in the film.
