Dear Jackass.

If I could write letters to various versions of myself, I imagine they would say something like this:

6-year old Danielle: "Even though Mom warned you never to interrupt her when she's blow drying her hair, this doesn't mean you should awkwardly beat around the bush when you need to run in to tell her your 2 year old sister badly busted her head open while running full on into the corner of a wall."

8-year old Danielle: "Don't worry. Your unexplained paranoia about not getting to bed by 8pm and thus not getting enough sleep causing you to wake up stupid will go away. It will, in time, be replaced by other anxieties that will take years to friggin' sort through. In the meantime, stop crying to Mom and Dad about it every single night. You're freaking them out."

10-Year old Danielle: "Okay. When you start 5th grade, be ready for your teacher to humiliate you in front of 5 of other kids because she is going to take offense to something harmless you said. Three days later, when angrily yelling at the whole class,  she will use you as an example and actually re-tell your story from the days before, thus royally embarrassing you and scarring you for life. Make sure you're ready so you can tell her to fuck off."

12-Year old Danielle: "Go to a Kabbalah class. All hell is going to break loose and you are about to start feeling really ugly. This'll help, I promise. In the meantime, practice your toe-touches now. You are supposed to be captain of the 8th Grade Cheerleading Squad, not Ashley. If you let her get it, she's going to treat you like shit all year long and make you feel even more awkward."

13-Year old Danielle: "Stop being so competitive with the new neighbor girl, Kirsten. And for the love of god, stop bossing her around and yelling at her. She's going to end up being one of your best friends so you're just wasting time and pissing her off."

14-Year old Danielle: "Dude, Lance Bass is gay. Either get over it or keep your mouth shut and keep the *Nsync posters off your wall. Otherwise, your family and friends will never let you hear the end of it. Not even 10 years later."

15-Year old Danielle: "Don't worry, your boobs will grow. In fact they'll be a good deal bigger in college when you put on 10lbs."

16-Year old Danielle: "Don't get a speeding ticket two days after you get your license. Jackass."

18-Year old Danielle: "Don't mix tequila and beer, even if they make you. You will barf on a scary girl's bed in the sorority house and she will be really mad. Don't worry, you and Alisa will still end up being best friends, but you should probably go ahead and shoot for an early start. Stop mixing your alcohol. Seriously." 

19-Year old Danielle: "Remember not to park your car in the Golds Gym lot next door. They'll tow and it'll cost you hundreds of dollars and several frantic hours in a junkyard to get it back. Apparently cars being registered to your parents makes a damn shit show of the paperwork."

20/21-Year old Danielle: "I can't really remember what you're doing but I'm guessing you are having a blast and still scoring good grades..like a boss. Carry on, carry on."

22-Year old Danielle: "I know you're bored at your new job, but you're gonna love it and it will do amazing things for your life. In the meantime, I should warn you that the company can read your emails. That guy you've been shit-talking to? Yeah, he's about to get fired and then they are going to go through his emails. Along with his unfinished business they will find an archive of your verbal diarrhea. Although you will discover, and later appreciate, your boss' tough-love mentoring style, everyone else will just think you're a jackass. Stick your head in those insurance books and keep it there."

24-Year old Danielle: "Remind Alisa that she needs to be careful where she parks outside your apartment. Otherwise, a dreadlock party is going to cost her $325 in towing and tickets, and she is not going to be happy about that one either.  Oh, and regarding that one thing: Hang in there. You'll totally get it when your 25."

25-Year old Danielle: "Get your ass to sleep. You have an early day tomorrow."

Goodnight!

Blame it on Neptune

I've been reading about my generation lately. It seems like every economist, psychiatrist, mentor, parent and politician has us figured out. Or rather, they seem to understand why it is that we cannot be figured out. See, we are not lazy, but we can be loath to move until ready. We desire both success and wisdom, but are mystified as to how to get there. Most importantly, we are dependent, yet we do not know how to ask for help. Our generation seems excessively idealistic, but without a plan.  

Apparently, its a Neptune thing. I recently heard that the astrological placement of this slow-moving planet has somehow shaped our dreams, ideals, and intuition, and may explain our similar confusions and disillusionments.

Whether or not this is true I do not know, but it did get me thinking. 

Our generation really does over idealize everything. We have deep feelings and beliefs about our life's purpose and we all know we want to reach the top. We all know we want to be happy. What we don't know, however, is how to get there, and who we want to be when we arrive. We fantasize in pictures about achieving our goals and living the worry-free life of an accomplished person with all the time in the world to help others. Yet these dreams do not include clear pictures of ourselves. What has this ideal version of ourselves learned? What paralyzing struggles built us up to this point of success and fulfillment? If fantasies come from the ego, are we likely imagining ourselves humble? Wise? Peaceful? I doubt it. 

The Facebook-era has caused us to become little more than a picture of ourselves. We fool ourselves into thinking we are who we choose to portray at any given moment. Yet, on the other end of this, we truly do have ideas and inspirations and a desire to share. 

I think what gets us all so down, though, is the extreme lack of clarity on what to do next. Work a little harder on tomorrow's to-do list? Make 15 more phone calls? Save money? I get the feeling that isn't it. 

I wonder if this universe, which we are all apparently trying to conquer, is trying to show us how it operates so that we might actually have a shot. Ever the idealists, we think we can build our vehicle and rise to the top alone. If it takes longer than we want, we work harder and harder until the eventual disillusionment sets in. Disillusionment, that horrible, relationship-ending, impulsive, self-defeating low. It makes you just want to move far away so you can shake things up (and re-build your little fantasy). 

Little. That is what my dreams of success and accomplishment are. They are nothing more than a Facebook album or an episode of Entourage. The times I ask for help and appreciate the wisdom of others are the times I get closer to seeing how big the world really is. Oddly, it has only been in this humility that I have ever tasted any success. We have to let go of the things we think we desperately want and embrace that which we are terribly afraid of. Embrace the confusion and instability as an opportunity to test our spiritual certainty that if we let go, ask for help, and worry about the well-being of others, this universe may just worry about the well being of ourselves. 

For now, we will continue the symptoms of our generation's quarter-life confusion, but I think we should do so with a little bit of the idealism we are known for. However, this time, instead of imagining ourselves as the ones who will come up with all of the answers, let's have a little faith that the world itself has the answers and, by law, we will find them if we open up, ask the right questions, and change our nature every day. That path will light up for us soon, I'm sure of it.