An Unnecessarily Close Look at Home Alone

So, although I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT, I don't fully understand this movie.




Buzz, it's your girlfriend! Woof!
Home Alone, released in 1990, is the story of a young brat who is left home alone as his family flies off to Paris for Christmas. Left at the home under the presumption that he "made his family disappear," Kevin, well, does a bunch of kid shit and then booby-traps the house in an effort to thwart two moronic and apparently invincible robbers. (Sidenote: Jokes aside, I maintain this is Daniel Stern's finest work, surpassing even his feels-kicking Wonder Years narration)




The Wet Bandits. "That's the WET bandits! W...E...Erm.......T! ..."
I remember seeing this 2 or 3 times in the theaters and laughing my 6 year old ass off. Turns out gratuitous violence is pretty hysterical as long as the results aren't realistic...at all. (They really should make an Unfunny Home Alone and show what actually happens when your freezing bare feet crush glass). Anyway, watching the movie at 28? Still friggin hilarious, but a lot of things just don't make sense. Once again, I cannot ignore the insanity with which some things are carried out (most notably, the characters' general mistrust and the overall incompetence of the grossly underused Chicago Police Department). More on that later.

Let's examine:

1) Why don't the parents stick up for Kevin...at all? I get that Kevin is a little shit, and the house is crowded...but Buzz was unneccessarily disgusting and rude, the girl cousins or whatever were completely bitchy, and Uncle Frank was just a dick. Sure, there were 15 people in the house and he was the only one "making trouble", but I refuse to believe it was unprovoked. I'd have been ripping heads off.




"Look what ya did you little jerk!"
(Sidenote: My mother once told me when I was 8 that if any one ever said this to me in her presence, she'd punch them in the face. I once saw my Ma punch a guy in the face who was beating up on his kid, so I know she meant it. My Ma rules).
2) How in the hell did the parents manage to board the plane without Kevin? I know they were in a hurry and the neighbor brat looked like Kevin, blah blah blah. I don't care. Those parents would have had to have his passport and boarding documents because Kevin could no doubt be trusted with them. Who ended up with them? When they were carefully helping Fuller, the youngest, through security, did anyone ever think, "Hey, where the hell is Kevin?" That's just bad parenting right there.

3) You people couldn't get ahold of ANYONE?!? Anyone? At all? Call the police, fire department, search and rescue, child protective services, local news, neighborhood watch, every local business within walking distance, every volunteer organization in the area, the CHURCH THAT WAS 2 BLOCKS AWAY. Fax everyone on the west coast. Go to the embassy! Hell, include his damn picture on the fax since you no doubt still possess the kid's passport. Finally, if the Chicago PD is being difficult...Call Again. Call again and again and again until they take your ass SERIOUSLY. In other words, don't stop until the marines barge through your front door with a battering ram, storm the house like its a meth lab, and retrieve a no doubt traumatized Kevin from under his parents' huge red bed. Get SOMEONE on the phone!


No No No No No! This is CHRISTMAS! The season of perpetual HOPE!

4) Note to Uncle Frank: asking the McCallisters if it makes them feel any better that you forgot your reading glasses is a dumbass thing to say.

5) Okay, why didn't the pizza guy call the police when Kevin turned up the mobster movie? If that kid really believed he was being shot at, you'd think he'd high-tail it back to Little Nero's and TELL SOMEONE? Really, the general theme of refusing the assistance of local law enforcement is baffling to me. (Another sidenote: the whole thing with the pizza guy knocking down the statue over and over is just classic comedy. Well done, prop guy).





"Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more"
6) What would lead the Wet Bandits to the sudden conclusion that Kevin is home alone? I know that while pillaging the neighbors, they overheard the voice message from the father, but surely they believed that someone else was home with an 8 year old? How do you go from thinking there is a party the night before to suddenly coming to the conclusion that an 8 year old has been left alone indefinitely? Shit. Even if he was home alone at the moment you saw his decorating the tree, surely someone was on their way back? Plus, they never factored in the apparent mafia murder they thought they witnessed.


Dad, can you come here and help me?"

7) I would like to know why Kevin never thought to tell someone what was going on, especially when he knew he was about to get robbed and possibly mutilated. However, I will forgive this as it is apparent he was afraid of unintended consequences (juvie, creepy foster families, being fed to the downstairs furnace...)




"Hello"
8) I get comedic slapstick comedy, but these guys were impervious to both pain and visable injury. The iron should have knocked Marv's face in a la Casino. The swinging paintbuckets should have blown all of their teeth out. Nail through the foot equals GAME OVER. The blowtorch should have melted Harry's head off. What about when they beat the shit out of eachother with the crowbar? If nothing else, the swing into the side of the brick house should have been the END of the confrontation, period. I reiterate my previous suggestion that someone make an Unfunny Home Alone. Seriously, the movie would belong in the Saw franchise (and I know you sick bastards love Saw).

9) If Creepy Neighbor Shovel Man is such a good citizen that he salts and shovels everyones sidewalk, why didn't he notice that all the houses were being robbed all week? On that note, these people were careful enough to have automated lights in their house to deflect intruders, but no actual ALARMS?


"Ooooo mummies!"
10) Didn't the police think to question Kevin at all after Marv and Harry were arrested? Further, wouldn't they want to question the PARENTS? I also wonder why Creepy Neighbor Shovel Man never thought to ask about Kevin's family. You'd think after rescuing someone who was about to have their fingers chewed off, you might want to, I don't know, keep them company? Also, wow, Shovel Man's estranged son must have been waiting by the phone. Guy decides to reconcile on Christmas eve and a van shows up the next morning with his 27 family members giving out bear hugs in ugly sweaters.

11) Wait, let's go back a second, was Harry really going to chew Kevin's fingers off? Ew. (Saw 17. Mark. My. Words).

Okay, that is all for now. I will once again leave off with a shout out to my favorite character of this film. This one goes out to Buzz McCallister, who, although fat and rude, came up with the best way to list a series of facts I have ever seen.



We have smoke detectors... Thank you all.

Oh, and PS - If you ever wonder why you love Home Alone so much, I firmly believe this is not only because John Hughes wrote it (he loves that goofy family crap), but also because Chris Columbus was the director and in his infinate wisdom, cast it well and made sure John Williams did the music. Columbus also did this with the first Harry Potter, ensuring a well cast franchise with near-viral theme music. I digress.