It's not "Just a Movie!"

You know, I am really tired of getting this response when I ask what I feel to be legitimate questions about the details of a movie. See, I don't buy it. A movie, by nature, sets up a universe for you and asks the viewer to accept and imagine within the parameters of that universe. Thus, when a movie breaks its own rules, or just plain doesn't make sense, I have questions. Tough questions. I want to speak to someone.

As a result of both this annoyance and a persistent case of ADD, I have decided to post a list of questions pertaining to a movie every now and then.

The first? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, a 1974 Film based on the Roald Dahl book, brings to the silver screen the story of broke-ass Charlie, a blonde American kid living, for whatever reason, in Europe. You know the story, the kid gets the 5th ticket and ends up inheriting the the factory from Gene Wilder, a Michael Jackson-ish loner with hair almost as fabulous as Charlie's.

I accept the movie's ridiculous plot, I really do. That is part of the fun. However, there is a constant, persistent weirdness with the way certain things are carried out that I feel this film must be the first to be subjected to my line of questions. So without further ado...

"WTF, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?"

1) The factory, and therefore Charlie's town appears to be in Germany. Many of the townspeople are American, but several (including the Teacher, are British). What's the deal there?

2) Why does the teacher have to be such a dick?

If you were to eat 200 Wonka Bars, apart from being dreadfully sick..."

That class size was pretty small, so surely the teacher knew a thing or two about each of his students. Surely he knew Charlie was poor as fuck. It just wasn't necessary to berate him for only being able to purchase 2 chocolate bars. As a licensed educator he is no doubt educated somewhat in child psycology and development. Thus, when Charlie meekly admitted that he doesn't "care much for chocolate," the teacher should have known Charlie was covering for the fact that he ain't got no money (take yo broke ass home!) and been cool about it. Dick.

3) Why are the Grandparents sharing a bed? I can see two, but four? Where is the father? Why did he leave his broke, old, crusty parents behind and why isn't the mother asking some TOUGH questions about it?! ("Mr and Mrs Blahblah. Your son is a deadbeat. He has left this family to go run off with 'Debbie the Cabaret Singer' and that means your days of sitting in bed with my parents are OVER. I am no longer obligated to sponge bathe your old, wrinkly skin. GTF out!)

4) On that note: Why isn't the mother asking some questions about the fact that the lazy ass grandfather is SUDDENLY able to get off his ass when it comes time to go to the factory? YOU"VE BEEN ABLE TO WALK THIS WHOLE TIME?!?

5) Even more on that note: Why didn't the mother smack the shit out of Charlie when he announced he was taking Grandpa Joe? Charlie, you little shit, your mother does everything around here! She even washes your smelly underwear on a badass, old-school washboard. Grandpa Joe does nothing but lay on his ass, slowly developing gangrene (its beginning to smell like almonds!) while faking paralysis. In addition, he is stealing money from the newspaper delivery fund, which effectively supports the entire family, to purchase tobacco, only to pass himself off as a hero when he buys you a friggin' chocolate bar with your own money!

6) Okay, I get it. The tickets are a big deal. But I am really supposed to believe that the Queen would drop a million pounds for a box of bars? Bitch, buy yourself, and 3000 other people, a lifetime supply of chocolate and wait for the PBS documentary, "Tour of the Wonka Factory" to come out. Done and Done.

7) No one thought to ask why Slugworth randomly showed up right as the tickets were found?

"10,000 of these..."

Okay maybe not the other four, since he showed up when the media did, presumably a few days later. However with Charlie, he was lurking in an alley minutes later! Charlie, despite being in shock, should have said, "Dude, if you are stealth enough to have spies in the factory detecting exactly where the tickets were being shipped out to, why didn't you just a) have them snatch a gobstopper while they were there or b) win one of the damn tickets yourself? Creepster." Instead of testing these kids on their loyalty, Wonka, you should have tested them on their common sense!

8) Really Augustus? You fat slob.

9) Wouldn't that contract they had to sign in the waiting room, being illegible and basically forced, be considered executed in bad faith?

"You're Always making things Difficult!"

10)How do I get my paws on one on those gold hand coat hangers?



11)How is it that all of the tickets just happened to be discovered by 11 year olds? Wonka said he wanted to find a child (which in itself raises serious questions). Did he ever consider that, say, a stressed-out twenty something woman might find a ticket in the midst of losing her battle with chocolate avoidance?

12) In the end Wonka decides to move the entire Bucket family into the factory. Let's examine the costs in 2010 USD:

(this being at the VERY LEAST)

Suitable Lodging for the Buckets: $5,000/mo.
Food: $1,000/mo.
Healthcare: Free because it's Europe (huzzah!)
Shit Charlie is gonna need because he is a kid: $500/mo.
Utilities for the Buckets: $500/mo.
Allowance for the Buckets: $1,000/mo.
Private School Tuition/Tutor for Charlie: $50,000/yr
Business Advisors for Charlie: $100,000/yr
Lawyers to figure out this mess: $250,000
Business School for Charlie: $50,000/yr.
Funeral Costs as the Family Starts Dying off: $20,000
Additional Lawyers to make sure Charlie's Father Doesn't Return Looking for "his" Share: $25,000

Years before Charlie generates any income for the business: 15-20

Really, Wonka? You couldn't find ANYONE to run the factory? It is going to take more untrustworthy adults to prep this little bastard than it would just hiring another nice pervert like you. Jackass.


That is all for now. In closing I would like to say to the ever-inquisitive Mr. Mike TeeVee (who raised a good few questions himself in the movie's dismal remake):



You are a god among ants. Don't let anyone tell you any different.